Bush and the Pregnant Giraffe
Dial ‘W’ for Weapons of Mass Destruction
A Short Screenplay by George W. Bush
Ext. Day: On the White House lawn
Laura, me, Dick Cheney and his wife are having a barbeque on the front lawn of the white house. Laura and Dick’s wife suntan themselves and drink lemonade while I chop wood for the barbeque with one hand and paint a stunning picture of the white house with the other. Dick stands by the bbq with a package of burgers and a package of hot dogs in each hand.
Me
I’ll be done with the wood soon Dick don’t worry.
Dick
Its not that. I can’t decide whether I want burgers or wieners.
Me
How about having one of each?
Dick smiles a big toothy smile showing all his teeth.
Dick
Hey!
Dick's Wife
Say George you are really filling that shirt out nicely these days. Have you been working out?
Me
Guilty and charged!
Laura
Wait until you try his burgers!
Dick's Wife
Oh my! Say George how about taking that shirt off for a thousand dollars?
I smirk as if to say maybe after we eat.
Dick
Woman you are drunk. Sorry George. No more Smirnoff Ice!
Me
Thats ok.
I finish chopping the wood and painting the picture at the same time and start to cook the meat. As I'm doing that my pants start to buzz and it is my cell phone. Somebody on the phone tells me there is some disturbing at the front gate and to go inside.
Me
You mean coward in my house like some cowerer? No dice! Bring em' on! I'm going down there to check things out for himself.
Everybody else starts heading inside.
Laura
No George dont.
Me
Dont worry Laura I can handle it.
I start walking towards the gate and soon enough what do I see peaking up over some trees? A girafes head. I keep going and soon enough I see that this isn't any girafe but a giant girafe that is almost twice as big as a regular girafe.
Me
Wow.
I get down to the gate and talk to Kevin the security guard.
Me
Whats with the girafe?
Kevin the security guard
I guess its some sort of present for you. See? There is a tag around its neck.
The tag says To: George B. From: England
Kevin the Security Guard
Should I bring it in?
I pause for a moment, letting my razor sharp brain disect the scenario into small dice sized squares.
Me
No, Kevin. This is no regular girafe. This is a trick girafe.
Kevin the Security Guard
Sir?
Me
Have you ever heard of the Roman Girafe?
Kevin the Security Guard
No.
Me
Well the Romans pretended to give a big hollow wooden girafe to the Greeks only it was full of a brigade of soldiers. Then when they were inside the city walls the soldiers jumped out and took over the city!
Kevin the Security Guard
But this is a real girafe. How could it be full of soldiers?
Me
Because its not full of soldiers. Its full of... weapons of mass destruction.
Kevin the Security Guard
Oh crap!
Me
You see Kevin this giraffe is enormous even for a girafe. I believe that this girafe is pregnant.
Kevin the Security Guard
Pregnant with weapons of mass destruction?
Me
No, pregnant with a baby girafe. But inside the baby girafe is a weapon of mass destruction!
Kevin the Security Guard
What? But how?!
Me
Its all biochemistry Kevin. Dont worry about it. Just open the gate.
Kevin opens the gate and I go outside. I take a look at the girafe who just stands there eating the trees and blinking at me. I go down to the street and look up and down the street. I notice that some people are playing with remote control boats on the pond in the park. I observe three people with remote controls... but only two boats! Then I notice the third guy is Osamma Ben Laden dressed in a sailor suit! I begin to chase after him.
Me
Halt in the name of Democracy!
But then I notice that Ben Laden isnt running away from me at all. Instead he is standing still holding his remote control and smirking. I realize then that I'd been tricked. The big pregnant girafe wasnt meant to smuggle weapons of mass destruction inside but to get me to come outside!
Osama Ben Laden
LALALALALALA!
Suddenly out from the bushes jump a bunch more terrorists and hippies all holding remote controls. They all start pushing buttons on the remote controls and suddenly all the horrible little chipmunks squirels birds rabbits and turtles in the park come out of nowhere wearing little helmets with antennas and flashing lights on them and start biting me and throwing nuts.
Me
AAAH! You dirty freedom haters!
The creatures catch me off guard at first, and I get a few scratches and bruises from their teeth and nuts but then I get myself together and start to get real pissed off. I start pounding the crap out of the chipmunks, squirrels and bunnies. I kick a turtle to kingdom come and I catch a bird that was swooping in to peck my eye and punch it in the face.
Bird
Squawk!
The terrorists and hippies all get scared as the ranks of there evil animal legion of doom start to dwindle and they start to cry like girls.
Hippie
Lets get outta here!
All the hippies and terrorists jump in there VW buses and camels and run away like babies. Then I go back to the white house and enjoy my bbq while thinking about what a nice Kmart that old park will make.
