Toast99

Norwich Union: Quote me happy?

2005-08-31T14:16:00.000Z

My wife is going to see her family in The Gambia over Christmas and having paid for the flight I needed travel insurance. Using the internet I felt that good old trusty Norwich Union would do the job. Paying the required sum immediately on 14th Aug we waited the necessary 4-5 working days, but as of today we are still waiting for the travel documentation, just the option of printing off the document online being available to date. The small money paid is not relevant, but what is disgraceful is the sheer lack of any customer service, apart from "it is on the way". I trust that nobody in blogland is hoping that Norwich Union will pay any insurance claim promptly......God forbid you have a personal pension with these financial morons!

Aug 20

I purchased travel insurance for my wife last weekend and we are still

to receive any documentation. Can you tell us how much longer we have

to wait?

no : TRS190406630

Tony Brookes, on behalf of Madlene Mendy.

Thank you.

Aug 22

Dear Mr Brookes,

Thank you for your email regarding travel insurance,

Your documents should have arrived within 4 - 5 working days, you

may have received these already but to avoid any further delays I have

issued a new policy schedule which you should hope to arrive shortly.

If we can be of any further assistance please do not hesitate to

contact us again.

Many Thanks,

Michael Tate

Internet Support

Norwich Union Direct

Opening hours:

Telephone: Weekdays 8am to 10pm, Saturday 8am to 6pm and Sunday

10am to 4pm. Call on 0800 888 111

On-line: Weekdays 6am to midnight, Saturday 8am to midnight and

Sunday 8am to 10pm. Email on support@norwich-union.co.uk

From: tony brookes on 20/08/2005 07:49

Office Phone No:

To: NUD Support@NORWICHUNION

cc:

Subject: single journey travel insurance

- Show quoted text -

I purchased travel insurance for my wife last weekend and we are

still

to receive any documentation. Can you tell us how much longer we

have

to wait?

no : TRS190406630

Tony Brookes, on behalf of Madlene Mendy.

Thank you.

Aug30

It is now 30th Aug, and having had money removed from my bank account on 14th Aug with the promise of documentation being sent within 4-5 days it is an unacceptable standard of customer relations to fail to deliver on your promise. I am expecting this documentation to arrive within 2 days, and if it does not I will demand a refund to enable us to contact a competant insurer.

Tony Brookes.

Quote me happy?.........as if

The messianic American Calvinist

2005-08-23T20:11:00.000Z

While the World is in thrall/horror at Religious Fundamentalism it may be prudent to cast one's minds back to the early 17th century when a group of fanatical extremists wanted to transform England into a theocracy governed by their own interpretation of the Bible. They are remembered today as the Pilgrim Fathers.

The leader of this group who eventually sailed to America on the Mayflower was William Brewster, who would become the first governor of the New England colony. Rather than being a pious man who devoted his life to God, it was failure in his personal life that forged his "born-again Christianity", an echo that reverberates among many in America. A New World Order ruled by God's commandment, with him as it's first leader.

First form a cell of like-minded zealots, and call the Separatists. Among their theocracy, pubs were to be closed, gambling banned, women dressed in sober clothing and the Bible would become the foundation of civil society. See any echoes with any other countries? Later measures introduced by Brewster at Plymouth Rock would be a law making it illegal to live alone, and for women and children to be treated with severity. A statute on the books in the Plymouth Colony allowed for the execution of children who disobeyed their parents.

After a period of time in England with the threat of having their right ears cut off, nostrils slit open and the letters SS ("stirrer of sedition") branded on the foreheads, along with a spell in the Clink (Abu Ghraib of Puritan England) where they were chained, tortured and beaten, standing knee-deep in fetid water they decided to join other fundamentalists in Amsterdam, meeting and joining with the Ancient Brethren, a Taleban of their time. Years followed of sedition and a hardening of religious radicalism, and after being hounded by Dutch and English authorities they decided to set sail across the Atlantic to found a new country.

Their attitudes to sex, God and the Bible is now the cultural DNA of the United States. When fanatics desire to go back to earlier times, when twice as many Americans are said to believe in the Devil as Darwin's Theory of Evolution, when the President is described by The New York Times as a "messianic American Calvinist" then it is surely worth looking over your shoulder at the fundamentalists who landed in America in 1620.

Jude Law and his Errant Cock

2005-07-30T17:10:00.000Z

Jude Law has finally seen the error of his ways, realised the futility of fucking any woman with the scent of availability when he has an enchanting girlfriend in Sienna Miller. He has now formulated a last-gasp solution to his wandering dick, and with the help of the family veterinary surgeon will soon set in place an operation that may soothe the anger of Sienna.

Jude has decided that he has to undertake the drastic step of having a micro-chip inserted under his foreskin that is able to be tracked under certain conditions. Just being able to know when the aforementioned member is out of the zip was impractical, with an amber alert at every pissing session. However, when the cock is enveloped in any sticky substance, or in any warm membrane then the chip will be activated. A pre-arranged call to alert of any showering with gel will be advisable, though of course a dozen showers in a day will produce their own alarm.

Good luck young man. Keep your pecker up!

Al Qaeda Girl Scouts

2005-07-29T16:09:00.000Z

Picture the scene: That magical day when those delicious Girl Scout cookies you ordered weeks ago finally arrives, courtesy of the ugly new neighborhood girl in the recognizable green uniform. Your mouths’ watering, you and your family tear into the brightly colored boxes and begin eating. Within moments however, you notice something is wrong. Your insides feel like they’re on fire and your children are vomiting blood. The last thing you see before you die is your spouse trying to carve their abdomen open with a knife in a fit of deranged hysteria… Sound preposterous? Think again.

According to an FBI report, members of radical

Islamic terrorist groups seeking to kill innocent American civilians with poisonous cookies are indeed actively targeting the Girl Scouts for infiltration. The report, released this morning, cites several sources of credible speculation as evidence of the developing plot.

“Employing the guile imparted by his training, a determined member of Al Qaeda could easily infiltrate the ranks of the Girl Scouts, and once implanted, might remain latent within the troop for an extended period, enduring with tireless patience the excruciatingly dull campouts and tedious tasks attendant to the earning of merit badges in such boring fields

as basketry, drafting, cooking and bird study, all the while biding his time and gaining the trust of his fellow scouts until it is time to raise funds for the organization through the sale of factory baked treats – which he’d go about selling with extraordinary zeal – only to swap his cookies with those containing botulin, anthrax or ricin prior to delivery,” the report read in part.

Remarked FBI spokesman Robert Osgood: “Once ingested, these toxins will inevitably cause their victims to experience agonizing intestinal discomfort, painful, bloody diarrhea and terrifying hallucinations involving big hairy spiders with long sharp

teeth feeding on their eyeballs and genitals before succumbing to death as their internal organs literally liquefy. We urge the public to remain vigilant and wary of any suspicious looking Girl Scouts, but ultimately this will fail as Al Qaeda will certainly shift to another tactic of spreading their death and terror.”

In order to preserve some vestige of our former safety, the Department of Homeland Security is recommending that citizens purchase a high quality security system for the home and to limit time spent vulnerable outdoors by conducting as much of their necessary business via internet and telephone

Newsmutiny

Not only UK Police murder indiscriminately!

2005-07-25T19:35:00.000Z

Man thought to be a Velociraptor shot 14 times by Police

Man or Dinosaur? It's too close to call.

Idiot, North Dakota Police, responding to a report of forced entry and petty vandalism, shot and killed the suspect’s uncle, who was hiding under the bed, presumably from officers who had forcibly broken into his second story bedroom window. Police Chief Jerry Waltham said Tuesday that an officer mistook John Nelson for a velociraptor and shot him 14 times.“Velociraptors are an enemy of all man,” said Waltham, referring to the long extinct carnivorous dinosaur. Velociraptor were featured predominantly in the Jurassic Park series of movies, something that Waltham claims “struck fear into police everywhere.” John Nelson, 65, was old and nearly immobile thanks to a crippling case of arthritis in his knees. He had been living in a homeless shelter previously, before realizing that his niece and nephew didn’t mind him sleeping under their bed.“This situation involves two terrible tragedies: a brutal case of domestic vandalism and the loss of a life,” said Mayor John Casterbridge.This marks the fourth fatal police shooting involving a person being mistaken for a dinosaur in Idiot this year, up two already from a year ago. Cathy Nelson had called the police Monday night to report that someone had broken into her home and vandalized her refrigerator with rude comments. “Someone had entered my home and written rude and derogatory comments like ‘Milk’ and ‘Cheese’ on the whiteboard on my fridge,” said Cathy. Cathy’s husband Mark, who had left on a business trip earlier in the day after drinking the last of the milk and eating the last of the cheese, was unavailable for comment.
"This situation involves two terrible tragedies: a brutal case of domestic vandalism and the loss of a life"
- Mayor Casterbridge, Mayor of Idiot, North Dakota.Police borrowed a ladder to enter the home through a bedroom window, attempting to be “very sneaky” as one officer described. They kicked in the window and entered the room, which is when they reportedly saw a “six foot long, three foot tall dinosaur with sharp curved teeth and three clawed hands.” The officers opened fire on the beast, emptying 14 shots into him before he finally went down.John Nelson was taken to Idiot General Hospital where he was said to be in “good spirits”. Upon closer examination, he was pronounced dead.Police have been working to reform the department ever since a 12 year old child, suspected to be a rogue stegosaurus, was shot and killed last summer. Casterbridge appointed a 15 member panel that last month made the recommendation that included when force should be used and trips to archeological museums so that officers could finally learn the differences between humans and dinosaurs.

This is an update to a previous posting

Spam - How to cope!

2005-07-25T17:46:00.000Z

Are you plagued by spam in your e-mail?

Do you want an immediate remedy?

The Russians have the answer!!

UK Police can kill you!!

2005-07-25T17:17:00.000Z

Is it right for armed UK police operating a shoot-to-kill policy to murder an innocent man if they suspect him to be involved in a possible terrorist activity? Does the end justify the means?

Innocent or not, if we want too we will fucking kill you!!

What do you think?

fancy going to the coast?

2005-07-23T12:35:00.000Z

Nothing Better to Worry About? Check Your Local Weather

Anglo-American Homoeroticism

2005-07-22T22:33:00.000Z

The Adventures of George and Tony

The world seemed very different not so long ago, even although it wasn't. Remember Tony Blair leading New Labour to victory, spelling the long anticipated demise of the right-wing lunatic brigade, the Tories. After those long dark, grey years under the Conservatives everyone was delighted just to get a change, the possibility that some good might be done by the new government was confirmed when they held devolution referendums for Scotland and Wales as promised. However it all went down hill from there.

Still, at the time, we also had Clinton in the Whitehouse, the much more acceptable face of American aggression. He developed the fine art of saying the decent thing and then doing the opposite. As his reign descended into oblivion with all the stupid BJ stories, we wondered what would become of Tony and our much-wailed about 'special relationship' with America. We watched as Bush and his family, along with a host of the most evil big business tycoons in the world, stole the presidency of the USA. Surely Tony can't be pals with an unashamed right-wing moron, who has been personally responsible for executing people as Governor of Texas?

Think again, at first the signs were bad, as the US announced plans to withdraw from all these piddling affairs elsewhere in the world and concentrate on their own imagined greatness. Then the two towers crumbled and all hell broke loose. This was the situation which got Tony back in bed with the President, in contrast to his Texan peer, Tony reacted swiftly and skillfully to the attack, maximising his own appearances to offer solemn, heart-felt sympathy to the American people. He seemed to take a lead in organising some ridiculous anti-terrorist coalition before bending over for George and agreeing to an attack on Afghanistan.

Yet another attack on a long suffering country incapable of defending itself ended unsuccessfully, if the aim was to catch Osama Bin Laden. What they did successfully do, was remove a devoutly Muslim regime and replace them with someone a bit friendlier and more amenable to American demands. After weeks of press about this bearded terrorist hiding in caves the whole thing was swept under the carpet and the regular evil guy picture on the news was switched back to Saddam Hussein.

Now George has decided he wants to 'kick Saddam's ass again'. But why, is there a link to the two towers? No, no link whatsoever but George gets to fund the military, steal oil and avenge his father, the senior Bush, who for some reason decided to leave Saddam in charge and backstab all the Iraqi's who tried to rise against him, leaving them to die in their thousands after the first Gulf War. Why would Tony want to go along with this one?

To be honest I don't really know. By toddling along after George, Tony is currently risking his relationship with Europe and severely trying the patience of the British people. The way he is jetting around trying to tow the Yankee line and get other countries to join in is just horrible to watch. Britain is only under threat if we perpetrate these types of crimes on other nations, by bombing and starving these people we are increasing the threat of terrorism. Whatever the reason there can be little doubt that Tony is desperate for American approval.

Other than more terrorist attacks, what do we get out of our 'special relationship' with the States? As far as I can tell we get to have big American military bases all over our country to ensure we are a target in any conflict, we get to import American culture which is homogenised and won't be happy until we all eat, drink and wear the same things, we get privatisation of everything in site, always based on a US model and usually a total waste of time and money for everyone except the company directors. This blind acceptance of American capitalist values has led to further polarisation of wealth in this country, countries as rich as Britain and the US should not have people living on the streets. Why would any British person aspire to the American way of life?

The recent demonstrations and ongoing criticism of Tony does not seem to have had an effect. Over a million people in London and 100,000 in Glasgow, the largest ever demo in London, yet Tony has ignored it to go along with Bush. The war has started, despite huge displays of public disapproval, failure to get a majority of people in favour of war in any of the polls, and the protests of many countries, including France, Germany, Russia and China. But what are the consequences for their illegal actions? Tony may well lose his job over this. He has continually insisted that they are committed to removing Saddam and that oil revenue will now be placed in a trust fund administered by the UN. Even if this is true it does not compensate for bombing innocent people. It also doesn't justify handing mostly US companies hugely lucrative contracts to 'rebuild' Iraq and pump the oil once the slaughter is over.

Well the war is apparently over, Saddam has disappeared in a cloud of rubble leaving behind a war torn and poverty stricken country in desperate need of help, which it probably won't get. Apparently the US are shocked that there has been no welcoming commitee, and with the realisation that the next government of Iraq, if democratically elected, will be a fundamentalist Muslim one, have decided to stay in charge for a wee while longer. Who knows what George and Tony will get into next - Syria? North Korea? or 'Global Terrorism'? We'll have to wait and see.

Queen Elizabeth 2's knickers

2005-07-22T21:47:00.000Z

Queens pants cost us
0.003p each per year

HRH Queen Elizabeth allows a rare glimpse at the Royal undies on the line

Details of the Queens entire annual underwear budget have been revealed, prompting critics to demand the monarch trim her spending.
Buckingham Palace said Wednesday that the figures, which showed the Queen sized royal underpants cost each taxpayer just 0.003 pence a year, proved Queen Elizabeth and her household were providing good value for money.
Amounting to around £4.11 per day, critics seized on details of the £1,500 a year underpants bill.

Lawmaker Bill Rutford, a Labour Party Fundraiser, said the monarchy provided "reasonable value" but called the expenditure of luxury underwear as "indefensible".
"We ought to have more of the royals using normal shops for their everyday expenses. I know for a fact that there are perfectly comfortable women’s pants available in Matalan for less than £4.00 for 3 pairs."

Cover of Mary Simpsons controversial book

A controversial new book by former Buckingham Palace housemaid Mary Simpson has just been released, which looks specifically at the flamboyant underwear tastes of the Royal Family. Her book entitled 'The Royals Downstairs' gives stark descriptions of the monarch’s underwear tastes and demands.
"Quite frankly I am surprised she's only wasting £1,500 a year on her pant shopping, considering how many pairs she has", explained Ms. Simpson, "she is obsessed with having the newest styles as soon as they hit the cat walks. Sometimes she would have new lines flown in directly from New York just so she could have some before they became common"

Alan Reid, Keeper of the Privy Purse, slammed the accusations made by Ms. Simpson, "This woman is not to be trusted. She is making money through the abuse of the highly trusted and respected position of Royal underwear technician. She left the Palace after a fall out with another member of staff and now she is trying to make money with this nonsense.
"We have acknowledged that HRH could cut back on some of the more expensive garments that she favours, but to suggest that the Queen of England should wear the same pair of pants twice is quite ridiculous."

UK Satire

Our wonderful Home Secretary

2005-07-22T21:30:00.000Z

Clarke launches Swab
for Prizes Scheme

Charles Clarke gets the swab done as some of theinstant winners look on in the background
A new government initiative has been launched this week to give every UK resident the chanceto win great prizes in exchange for a tiny amount of DNA.
The Swab for Prizes program, which starts today, promises to be a real hit with the British public, who will have a chance to win a number of great prizes including low police harrasment, easy access in and out of the country, i-pods, shortened hospital waiting times, George Forman Grills and much more.
The entry process is extremely easy, all you need to do is go down to your nearest Swab for Prizes centre and provide a tiny sample of pleghm from inside your mouth, which is being used to ensure no-one enters twice (thats all), give them some basic info about yourself and thats it. You are then issued with your very own Prize Card which shows a photograph of yourself along with your all important competition number.
Everyone is being strongly advised to carry their competiton card with them at all times as new prize winners can be announced anywhere at any time and you cannot claim if you dont have your card on you.

'The Swab for Prizes scheme is a demonstration of how well we are doing economically. Its a little thankyou to all the British people for making this such a great country to live in', explained Home Secretary Charles Clarke.
'The best thing is we are not just rewarding the top business people, we are rewarding everyone who has a distinct chain of DNA and is willing to provide a sample of it.'
People are encouraged to think of their Swab for Prizes competition card as a perpetual lottery ticket which could win them big, big prizes when they least expect it.
Several off-shoot programs have already been approved to help include absolutely everyone in the biggest national forced lottery of all time. These include the Swab and Dine program for the hungry and the Swab for Brew program for the alchoholics.

UK Satire

Bush and the Pregnant Giraffe

2005-07-21T20:38:00.000Z

Dial ‘W’ for Weapons of Mass Destruction

A Short Screenplay by George W. Bush

Ext. Day: On the White House lawn

Laura, me, Dick Cheney and his wife are having a barbeque on the front lawn of the white house. Laura and Dick’s wife suntan themselves and drink lemonade while I chop wood for the barbeque with one hand and paint a stunning picture of the white house with the other. Dick stands by the bbq with a package of burgers and a package of hot dogs in each hand.

I’ll be done with the wood soon Dick don’t worry.

Dick

Its not that. I can’t decide whether I want burgers or wieners.

How about having one of each?

Dick smiles a big toothy smile showing all his teeth.

Dick

Hey!

Dick's Wife

Say George you are really filling that shirt out nicely these days. Have you been working out?

Guilty and charged!

Laura

Wait until you try his burgers!

Dick's Wife

Oh my! Say George how about taking that shirt off for a thousand dollars?

I smirk as if to say maybe after we eat.

Dick

Woman you are drunk. Sorry George. No more Smirnoff Ice!

Thats ok.

I finish chopping the wood and painting the picture at the same time and start to cook the meat. As I'm doing that my pants start to buzz and it is my cell phone. Somebody on the phone tells me there is some disturbing at the front gate and to go inside.

You mean coward in my house like some cowerer? No dice! Bring em' on! I'm going down there to check things out for himself.

Everybody else starts heading inside.

Laura

No George dont.

Dont worry Laura I can handle it.

I start walking towards the gate and soon enough what do I see peaking up over some trees? A girafes head. I keep going and soon enough I see that this isn't any girafe but a giant girafe that is almost twice as big as a regular girafe.

Wow.

I get down to the gate and talk to Kevin the security guard.

Whats with the girafe?

Kevin the security guard

I guess its some sort of present for you. See? There is a tag around its neck.

The tag says To: George B. From: England

Kevin the Security Guard

Should I bring it in?

I pause for a moment, letting my razor sharp brain disect the scenario into small dice sized squares.

No, Kevin. This is no regular girafe. This is a trick girafe.

Kevin the Security Guard

Sir?

Have you ever heard of the Roman Girafe?

Kevin the Security Guard

No.

Well the Romans pretended to give a big hollow wooden girafe to the Greeks only it was full of a brigade of soldiers. Then when they were inside the city walls the soldiers jumped out and took over the city!

Kevin the Security Guard

But this is a real girafe. How could it be full of soldiers?

Because its not full of soldiers. Its full of... weapons of mass destruction.

Kevin the Security Guard

Oh crap!

You see Kevin this giraffe is enormous even for a girafe. I believe that this girafe is pregnant.

Kevin the Security Guard

Pregnant with weapons of mass destruction?

No, pregnant with a baby girafe. But inside the baby girafe is a weapon of mass destruction!

Kevin the Security Guard

What? But how?!

Its all biochemistry Kevin. Dont worry about it. Just open the gate.

Kevin opens the gate and I go outside. I take a look at the girafe who just stands there eating the trees and blinking at me. I go down to the street and look up and down the street. I notice that some people are playing with remote control boats on the pond in the park. I observe three people with remote controls... but only two boats! Then I notice the third guy is Osamma Ben Laden dressed in a sailor suit! I begin to chase after him.

Halt in the name of Democracy!

But then I notice that Ben Laden isnt running away from me at all. Instead he is standing still holding his remote control and smirking. I realize then that I'd been tricked. The big pregnant girafe wasnt meant to smuggle weapons of mass destruction inside but to get me to come outside!

Osama Ben Laden

LALALALALALA!

Suddenly out from the bushes jump a bunch more terrorists and hippies all holding remote controls. They all start pushing buttons on the remote controls and suddenly all the horrible little chipmunks squirels birds rabbits and turtles in the park come out of nowhere wearing little helmets with antennas and flashing lights on them and start biting me and throwing nuts.

AAAH! You dirty freedom haters!

The creatures catch me off guard at first, and I get a few scratches and bruises from their teeth and nuts but then I get myself together and start to get real pissed off. I start pounding the crap out of the chipmunks, squirrels and bunnies. I kick a turtle to kingdom come and I catch a bird that was swooping in to peck my eye and punch it in the face.

Bird

Squawk!

The terrorists and hippies all get scared as the ranks of there evil animal legion of doom start to dwindle and they start to cry like girls.

Hippie

Lets get outta here!

All the hippies and terrorists jump in there VW buses and camels and run away like babies. Then I go back to the white house and enjoy my bbq while thinking about what a nice Kmart that old park will make.

Rumsfeld the daddy!

2005-07-21T20:10:00.000Z

Saddam Hussein Impressed by US Torture Tactics

Reflecting on the conditions at Abu Ghraib prison, Saddam Hussein, the former “Butcher of Baghdad” has nothing but admiration for U.S. torture tactics.

“I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy” remarked a bowing Saddam jokingly.

“Okay, I admit it. I’m no longer the ‘Dick-tator of Pain.’ I’ve been outclassed. The ‘Pyramid of Man Sandwich’, the threat to shock testicles with electrodes that aren’t actually plugged in... how does someone think of this stuff? It functions on a deep psychological level rather than just being physically painful. It makes my old stand-bys of whipping guys’ feet or clubbing them over the head just seem embarrassingly uninspired. I’m totally jealous. Rummy, you are the man.”

A pensive Saddam continued, “And with all the photos they took, they’ll have memories to last an eternity. If only I was smart enough to capture my heinous war crimes so thoroughly on film so that the whole world could know the real extent of my barbaric potential.”

Despite his lofty praise for the torture tactics of the United States, Hussein was quick to point out the unfairness of any direct comparisons. “You can’t compare the student to the master. You can’t compare someone with years of international experience in the art of torture to a neophyte hack like me, it’s just not fair,” he argued.

Before ending his interview, Saddam had one last kind word for the U.S. government: “Thank you. Thank you so much for providing jobs to former Baathist leaders. Times are tough and it is greatly appreciated.”

Bush is a retard!

2005-07-21T19:45:00.000Z

I Thought Retarded People Were Supposed to be Nice
By: Noreen Heartfield
Boy, the more I watch what this President of our's is up to, the more incredulous I become. Its astounding - I thought retarded people were supposed to be nice! I mean, who's ever heard of an evil retard? Not me, that's for sure.
Granted, until recently I've never been what you'd call a very politically conscious person; I've never gone out of my way to keep abreast of issues pertaining to foreign and domestic policy, rather, I've tended to trust my gut instinct when it's come to deciding which politicians to support. The way they talk, facial expressions, whether there are any sexual peccadilloes in their past - these are the characteristics which have served me, and until now served me well, as my criteria for judging who to vote for. But with this Bush fellow, I feel betrayed. After all he's retarded, so although I knew he wouldn't be the most brilliant or polished President in our history, I figured he'd at least err on the side of compassion. Boy was I wrong.
I used to volunteer for an assisted living center for the mentally handicapped, and I can say without any equivocation whatsoever that none of the residents there, not a one, would have promoted CAFTA - a "free trade" agreement that will subordinate democratically established regulations on commerce, labor and the environment in this country and Central America to the interests of corporations so a few rich people can get richer by transforming decent paying American jobs into slave labor abroad and getting a free pass on pollution. Besides not fitting the nice nature of the average retarded individual, it would also conflict with their own self interest as all those Americans with normal intelligence who get laid off will be forced to start competing with them for their jobs at Wal-Mart and Del Taco.
Would the nice Mexican boy with Cerebral Palsy who mows my lawn exploit the fear and patriotism of the citizens of this country to start a war with a weak Third World nation under fabricated pretenses? I sincerely doubt it, and even if he did, I'm positive he at least wouldn't go around exalting the sacrifice of our side's soldiers while sponsoring the use of napalm and munitions containing depleted uranium responsible for thousands of cases of strange cancers and auto-immune disorders amongst veterans returning from over there. I mean, we're talking about a kid who I saw dropping Fritos down a gopher hole last week here. Why couldn't our President drop fresh tasty corn chips over Iraq instead of bombs? That's the sort of thing I'd expect from a person of his intellectual capacity, which is why I voted for him twice in the first place.
Remember that mentally disabled kid Corky from that old show "Life Goes On?" Delightful show. Whatever happened to him? I thought he had real star potential. Anyway, do you think he'd force little old ladies like me to go to dangerous urban neighborhoods to get the pot they need to alleviate the pain from their bone cancer by sigining a law striking down state provisions for the medical use of marijauna? Hell no! Not Corky!
But perhaps I'm being too hard. After all, I suspect his behavior is in large part a product of those characters he hangs out with - that Cheney fellow and that lumpy white guy who wears the big floppy chef's hat and sells cookie dough on TV - Karl Rove. The mentally impaired can be highly impressionable, and these guys are definitely bad news. Somebody should do something.

Bush is a retard chicken!

2005-07-21T18:58:00.000Z

Global Meditation Plot Backfires – George Bush Turns into Giant Chicken, Attacks Tokyo

The plot of an international consortium of millions of activists to turn George W. Bush into a chicken through mass global meditation under the precepts promoted by the study of quantum physics - which have suggested that the nature of the universe is a subjective product of our collective imaginations - backfired yesterday when the US President did indeed spontaneously transform into a chicken, albeit one the size of a brontasaurus with an appetite for death and destruction that has since gone on a rampage throughout Tokyo, Japan, leaving thousands dead and billions of dollars worth in damage.

Reportedly, Bush was being received for a meeting with Japanese Prime Minister Junichero Koizumi at his official residence in Tokyo when the sudden morphological change occurred and, according to surviving witnesses, abruptly burst through the building's ceiling as a two hundred foot tall chicken before strutting away in a light flurry of huge white feathers, leaving dozens, including Koizumi, crushed dead from falling debris in his wake.

The ten story chicken Bush - dubbed 'King Kluck' by the Japanese media - then descended upon downtown with the same cocky self assuredness he exhibited as a human to casually squash small fuel efficient cars with his giant taloned feet, peck out the windows of buildings, and gobble up at random citizens who were too slow in fleeing.

One woman described her terrifying encounter with the transformed US President: "I heard a loud crash and turned to see the big chicken standing over a smashed electric train, pecking at the passengers. Someone shouted 'Its George Bush, run for your life!' and people started to stampede. Some were trampled. It was horrible. I don't think I'll ever be able to get the screams and clucking out of my head."

Japanese efforts to subdue the rampaging President in a non-injurious fashion to avoid retaliation from the United States - who favor a hands-off course of letting him go until he wears himself out - remain ellusive as he has so far proven no match for giant nets, sleeping gas or giant gummi-worms soaked in anaesthetic. A second concerted meditation campaign to turn him back to his original form has also failed.

Meanwhile, residents of Kyoto are being urged to evacuate after the President left Tokyo several hours ago and began half walking-half flying along a highway leading towards the city, stopping only periodically to lay enormous black, sulfurous eggs on the side of the road. Although the same highway also leads to several other large cities, officials believe Kyoto is certain to be the next target on account that it hosted the international summit on global warming in 1997, producing an accord limiting greenhouse gas emissions that bears its name.

Lovely Satire

2005-07-20T20:12:00.000Z

Bob Geldof and the Livingstone connection: Africa not yet saved?

Patricia Daley

Bob Geldof is only the latest in a long line of Europeans who have appointed themselves as spokespersons for Africans, writes Patricia Daley. With a distinct brand of humanitarianism they have acted to serve the demands of global capitalism, suppressing African voices and aiding the exploitation of the continent.

Bob Geldof's rally against poverty in Africa seems to have incurred admiration from well-meaning whites and indifference or resentment from Africans. The questions the critics pose are: who gave this pop star the authority to speak for us; why does he represent Africa in such a one dimensional way? Can't he and his supporters see the realities on the ground? Can't he see that Africans want to speak for themselves? Geldof seems to believe that his mission is noble. To him and his supporters, the moral argument is clear: the West is rich, Africa is poor; the West has the means to help Africa out of poverty. The argument is so simple that only the easily cynical would seek to dispute it. Through his celebrity status Geldof hopes to mobilise western public opinion to put pressure on the leaders of the capitalist world to be more benevolent to Africa.

To understand the Geldof phenomenon, we need to look historically at the role that Africa has played in the European imagination and in global capitalism. Geldof's crusade and attitude is not new. He is only the latest in a long line of European men whose personal mission has been to transform Africa and Africans. David Livingstone, the celebrity of his day, embarked on a similar crusade in the late 19th century, painting Africa as a land of 'evil', of hopelessness and of child-like humans. His mission was to raise money to pursue his personal ambitions.

'Darkest Africa' occupies a special place in the white man's psyche; it remains a place where he [and she] can achieve heroic status. Therefore, does it not make sense that African voices are silenced? Michel Foucault's treatise on the relationship between power and knowledge may be old hat in academia, but still relevant in the real world. Sir Bob would lose his authenticity and thus his power if he was to give space to the multiplicity of African voices; many of which would certainly challenge his stance.

It may seem amazing that in the twenty-first century, with increased mobility, greater communication and an African heading the United Nations that many westerners are more comfortable with European interlopers translating Africa for them. Perhaps, only then could some be persuaded, as one famous Irish comedian was, 'to give money to those bloody niggers'. Africa remains the object of western desires not the subject of its own destiny.

Livingstone's and Geldof's humanitarianism fits well with the demands of global capitalism, serving to obscure distinct phases in the exploitation of Africa. Livingstone's redemption of the African savage was very much tied to colonial conquest and exploitation of the continent's resources; a mission that Livingstone supported in the marriage of commerce and Christian morality. The consequence for most of Africa was dispossession, forced labour, de-humanization, oppression and genocide, as in the Congo Free State.

Geldof's Live Aid also occurred at a time when neo-liberal policies were being forced on recalcitrant African countries. The results are fully documented: collapse of health and education services, increased unemployment and privatization, leading to greater impoverishment of the masses. All this occurring while westerners bathe in the glory of their collective benevolence to the 'lost continent'. Geldof was even rewarded for his chivalry with a knighthood.

How convenient for Live 8 - an upsurge of western popular goodwill - to occur at the same time as a new scramble for African resources? With the threat from China, Africa's oil and other strategic minerals are even more critical to the continuance of western economic dominance. One just has to consider the significance of Africa's resources in the west's push for peace settlements in Sudan and the Democratic Republic of Congo.

It is beneficial to western capital for Africans to be seen as the architects of their own misery. Mugabe, thug as he is, is no worse, and certainly less so, than many other leaders in Africa's post-colonial history, yet his vilification fits into the discourse of corruption and self-inflicted harm and justifies the prevailing view that Africans cannot be trusted with their own destiny. Racism is not often used in explanations of the west's attitude towards Africa, yet it remains a fundamental component of the west's interaction with Africans - nowhere is it more visible than in the diaspora. How can one claim to want to save a people, when one is complicit in the marginalization of their relatives? The irony has not been lost on Africans.

Geldof, like Livingstone before him, represents the cultural arm of global capitalism. The inequalities he rallies against are reproduced by the very capitalist system he supports. How many artists, fading or otherwise, would turn down the promotional opportunity of playing to an audience of the magnitude predicted for Live 8? In the cultural as well as in the development industry, African poverty serves as a vehicle for wealth creation.

Those people, whether on the right or the left, who are conversant with the realities of Africa, know that aid will not 'save' the continent and deliver the promised land; that the problem in Africa is not poverty but impoverishment and that Africa needs freedom not redemption. Africa's creativity has to be released through true democracy and not the compromise of 'good governance' and western tutelage.

Livingstone's and Geldof's suppression of African voices, whether deliberately or inadvertently, aids the continued exploitation of the continent. Geldof has the capacity to transcend Livingstone's shortcomings, if only he would listen to Africans and engage with issues of reparations and the politics of truth. He would certainly get more diaspora Africans among his London audience, despite their lack of appreciation for rock music.

After Live 8, when African resources are delivering wealth to western trans-nationals and African people suffer further degradation, be it wars, hunger or political oppression, they are likely to find little external support. After all, a whole generation of western civil society will say, "did they not receive debt relief?" "Are they so incompetent or corrupt that they could not make good use of our bountifulness?" In Africa, people will continue to live and die and a lutta continua

* Dr Patricia Daley holds the posts of University lecturer in Human Geography, and Fellow and Tutor in Geography at Jesus College, Oxford. She is an African from Jamaica.

2005-07-20T20:11:00.000Z

Make Looting History

Firoze Manji

Some 120 years ago, in 1884-85,, European governments met in Berlin to 'negotiate' the carving up of Africa - a meeting that in essence was very little different to this week's G8 meeting in Gleneagles. Had Bob Geldof and Comic Relief been around at the time, would they have held pop concerts in Paris, London, Berlin, Brussels, Lisbon etc. calling on their rulers to be nice about carving up the continent, to ensure that a few more crumbs fell off the table into the mouths of the poor while they carried out their project of occupation, colonisation, military subjugation, looting and genocidal slaughter? The very idea sounds absurd because we have the benefit of hindsight.

But why are things any different today? In many post-colonial countries real per capita GDP has fallen and welfare gains achieved since independence in areas like food consumption health and education have been reversed. The statistics are disturbing. In Sub-Saharan Africa as a whole per-capita incomes dropped by 21% in real terms between 1981 and 1989. Madagascar and Mali now have per capita incomes of $799 and $753 down from $1,258 and $898 25 years ago. In 16 other Sub-Saharan countries per capita incomes were also lower in 1999 than in 1975. Nearly one quarter of the world's population, but nearly 42% of the population of sub-Saharan Africa, live on less than $1 a day. Levels of inequality have also increased dramatically but worldwide. In 1960 the average income of the top 20% of the world's population was 30 times that of the bottom 20%. By 1990 it was 60 times, and by 1997, 74 times that of the lowest fifth. Today the assets of the top three billionaires are more than the combined GNP of all least developed countries and their 600 million people.

Since the early 1980s, economic and social policies of African countries have been subverted to serve the interests of the west - the repayment of debt, and the opening up of the countries to the needs of voracious international capital. Africa has abundant natural resources, yet their exploitation by capital has not lead to the development of the forces of production nor to the improvement of life chances or life expectancy for the majority. Instead, the countries with the richest resources are the ones that have been torn apart by civil war (Angola, DRC, Sierra Leone, Liberia etc) or subjected to gross environmental degradation (as in Nigeria).

The western media and the western 'development' agencies feed us with a diet that makes us think that "poverty" is the problem. But poverty is not the problem. It is the looting, theft and frank exploitation that forces Africa's people into destitution, that impoverishes them, and prevents millions from realising their full potential as humans.

Just look at the looting involving aid and debt. According to the OECD, total resource flows to developing countries between 1982-1990 was $927 billion. In the same period, developing countries remitted $1,345 in debt servicing alone - a difference in favour of the west of $418 billion. To understand the size of that, it's worth noting that the Marshall Plan transferred to Europe the equivalent of $70 billion in today's prices. In other words, developing countries are providing through debt servicing alone the equivalent of more than two Marshal Plans every three years. And that is assuming that all aid sent to developing countries was actually spent there. ActionAid calculates that only one third of G7 official aid in 2003 was 'real' aid. The rest was 'phantom' aid which may have achieved other goals, but did not help to fight poverty. Only 10 cents of every dollar of US aid is 'real' aid. The 'best performer', according to ActionAid, was the UK - but even there, nearly a third of aid was found to be phantom. And substantial proportions of that aid is used to hire private consultancy companies whose task is the privatisation of water supplies.

The G8 meeting should be seen as a gathering of the descendants of the Berlin Conference. Their agenda is fundamentally the same. We shouldn't be begging them to be nice about it. We shouldn't be begging them to carve us up 'fairly'. Let's end this charade about 'fighting poverty': turn, instead, to fighting those who cause and profit from impoverishment.

2005-07-20T20:10:00.000Z

My Little Pony?

Be careful who you want to fuck!

2005-07-20T20:02:00.000Z

USA Bombs Iraq
With … Teddy Bears

This is one hell of a change from the usual missions of the US forces

Give 'em the bears, Soldier!

2005-07-01T21:00:00.000Z

Hey Ladies!!

If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us, just get your flabby arse down to the gym.

Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, PUT THE BLOODY THING DOWN.

Don't cut your hair. EVER! It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare to comment on it.

Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect gift....again.

Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Shopping is not a sport.

Anything you wear is fine.....REALLY!!

Ask for what you want directly. Subtle hints don't work.

Face it, pissing standing up is more difficult than from point blank....we are bound to miss sometimes.

Do not question our sense of direction.

"Yes","No"and "Mmm" are perfectly acceptable answers.

Anything we said or did 12 months ago is inadmissable in a subsequent argument.

It's not the dress that makes you look fat, it's all the bloody chocolate you eat.

Let us ogle other women. How can we reassure you how pretty you are unless we compare?

Whenever possible, if you need an answer to a question, please ask away during the commercial breaks.

Only joking ladies...each to his own

Do Americans care about Poverty in Africa? No!

2005-07-01T20:47:00.000Z

Live 8 challenged by U.S. perception of generosity

By Mark Egan
NEW YORK (Reuters) - Buddy, we gave already.

Live 8 concert organizers want to spur a global groundswell of support for African debt relief, but experts say the biggest challenge in the United States is changing entrenched perceptions that it is the world's most generous country.
Polls over the last decade show most Americans believe 10 percent of the federal budget is spent on humanitarian and economic aid for the world's poor and that America gives more than any other country.

But the world's richest economy actually spends just over one half of 1 percent of its budget on aid to the world's poor, less per capita than every other wealthy nation.

"Americans believe they are giving a lot already and that they are giving more than other countries on a percentage basis," said Steven Kull, director of the University of Maryland's Program on International Policy Attitudes, which has compiled data on Americans' aid views.
"There is also a lot of belief that aid is given as a bribe to foreign governments to buy their loyalty," he added.

While most Americans support more assistance for Africa, Kull said suspicions that African governments are corrupt and that International Monetary Fund and World Bank bailouts benefit U.S. banks rather than the poor fuels resistance.

"INCREDIBLY IGNORANT"

Irish rock star Bob Geldof, the man behind 1985's Live Aid concerts and the planned worldwide Live 8 concerts on July 2, wants rich countries to annually give 0.7 percent of economic output in an effort to halve poverty by 2015.

The United States contributes less than 0.2 percent.

"It's pathetic how low our aid budget is," said Harvard University economist Kenneth Rogoff. He noted that if Americans feel disconnected from African issues it is because "the majority of Americans have never even been abroad."

The United States was criticized for giving too little government aid after the deadly tsunami that hit Southeast Asia last year. U.S. President George W. Bush said America gave a lot more when private donations were included.
But even when private giving is counted, American aid on a per-capita basis ranks 19th out of 21 rich countries, according to Foreign Policy magazine's 2004 Ranking the Rich survey.
Rogoff, a former IMF chief economist, expects the Live 8 and debt-forgiveness efforts will achieve little.

"The feeling that we are somehow doing these countries a lot of good by forgiving their debts is incredibly ignorant on some level," he said.

Rogoff said rich nations should give grants instead of loans and African nations must reform.
Noting that China and India received little aid but raised millions of people out of poverty through economic reforms, Rogoff said African nations are "economically, socially and politically backward, and that is the fundamental problem."

The planned Live 8 concert in Philadelphia has generated scant U.S. media attention compared with Geldof's benefit concert for the Ethiopian famine 20 years ago.
Florida's Orlando Sentinel newspaper suggested there could be public fatigue over celebrity causes. The Philadelphia Inquirer lamented that the concert will snarl traffic during the July 4 Independence Day weekend.
The push to relieve poor countries' debts, often run up by corrupt dictators, began in 1995 when Jubilee 2000 with U2's singer Bono as its top lobbyist urged debt cancellation.
In 1996, that movement spurred an IMF and World Bank program to reduce the debts of 38 poor countries.

MIXED RESULTS

To date, 18, including Tanzania, Uganda, Zambia and Ghana, have benefited. But 20 others, mostly African nations such as Cameroon, Ivory Coast and Chad, still struggle to meet conditions that they curb corruption and show how the saved money will be used to reduce poverty.
Live 8's agenda was boosted prior to the Group of Eight's meeting in Scotland in July when the world's major industrialized nations announced a proposal to wipe out $40 billion of debts owed by 18 of the world's poorest countries, reducing debt-servicing costs by about $1.5 billion annually.

"In terms of debt forgiveness, Americans are much more generous to themselves," Forbes magazine wrote, noting that in 2004 U.S. courts erased $47 billion of debts through personal bankruptcy filings.

Lisa Meadowcroft, head of the New York office of the African charity AMREF, said many Americans feel Africa's problems are insurmountable.
"Americans very much like to be on the side of the winner," she said. "And yet so often, what is in the newspapers ... about Africa is gloom and doom."

Meadowcroft welcomes Live 8 as a way to raise awareness about Africa, but does not expect much impact.
"Will the concert bring significant, lasting change? Whatever really does?" she asked.

Bush, Blair must be anally probed

2005-07-01T20:44:00.000Z

27/06/2005 21:53 - (SA)

Istanbul - Dozens of activists holding an unofficial tribunal to put the United States-led war in Iraq on trial recommended on Monday that President George W Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair be investigated for crimes against humanity.

The World Tribunal on Iraq, meeting in an old Ottoman minting house, held three days of speeches, discussions and testimony from witnesses, including soldiers who served in Iraq.
A prize-winning Indian author and spokesperson for the panel, Arundhati Roy, said it recommended "an exhaustive investigation of those responsible for crimes of aggression and crimes against humanity in Iraq, beginning with ... Bush, ... Tony Blair ... and other government officials from the coalition of the willing."

Participants also asked for the immediate withdrawal of coalition forces from Iraq - that coalition governments paid war reparations - and that US military prisons such as Guantanamo be shut down.

Protecting Iraq against crime

They also urged action against companies that allegedly profited from the war.
The informal tribunal also accused the United Nations security council of failing to protect Iraq against a crime of aggression.

World's Ugliest Dog

2005-07-01T20:30:00.000Z

Sam, a 14 year-old pedigree Chinese crested won the World's Ugliest Dog contest for the third consecutive time.

He is hairless, wrinkles splotchy skin, blind with white eyes, warts and crooked teeth.
His owner, Susie Lockheed of Santa Barbara loves him though.

But fuck, is he ugly!

It's about time I posted again

2005-01-30T19:21:00.000Z

I have had a few comments recently, and I feel that I ought to update a little. Anna is now settled here, and now growing used to the climate. She has a friend here that was originally from Gambia, but who lives just a five minute walk away. Her name is Mai, and they meet, chat, shop and occasionally go clubbing together.

long time no post

2004-10-22T07:03:00.000Z

I have not blogged for a while but will do more regularly now. My wife Anna is now living with me, and now I have grabbed a template that I am happy with I will play around with it to make it more my own......later all

Visa

2004-08-01T18:09:00.000Z

My wife Anna has an interview with the British High Commision in The Gambia on 6th Aug to obtain Entry Clearance, and hopefully shortly afterwards she will be able to join me here in the UK as my wife, so we will be together instead of via Yahoo webcam or phone.

The few problems that we have had with officialdom may seem remote by then....scanning all my documentation to Gambia, but Anna being unable to download it - whatever format I have sent across, and the High Commision refusing to accept it due to Anna having to present it herself.

To be fair to the Commission though they have e-mailed me occasionally to keep me informed of the situation....

And if any glitches occur I can fall back on my original contact of Dec 2003 with UK Immigration at the Home Office who informed me that if we intended to marry they strongly advised we wed in The Gambia due to the immigration situation in the UK now, a Fiance Visa application not being looked at in too much hurry, and when, looked at in intensive detail when the applicant is West African....not those exact words but bearing in mind the language used and the abundance of xenophobic little englander attitudes in public, press and political spheres, the true intent does not need underlining.

I look forward to the day that we live together as man and wife. This last year has been one of my most content, and she has been such a positive influence on me. I am proud that she is my wife.

I hope to make her as proud of me.

Hi all

2004-08-01T13:08:00.000Z

I'm a 46 year-old new to blogging, have a gorgeous wife (not with me...in The Gambia, but hopefully with me soon), a 13 year-old daughter who lives with me at weekends, and her cat.
I work for a National Charity and enjoy the work.
I'll post more as I get the hang of the layout and formats.....

Toast99

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Rumsfeld the daddy!

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Bush is a retard chicken!

USA Bombs IraqWith … Teddy Bears

Hey Ladies!!

Do Americans care about Poverty in Africa? No!

Bush, Blair must be anally probed

World's Ugliest Dog

It's about time I posted again

long time no post

Visa

Hi all

USA Bombs Iraq
With … Teddy Bears